


Overcoming memories

by Happilyanonymous



Category: Original Work
Genre: Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, F/M, Healing, Past Relationship(s), Past Sexual Assault, Rants, Recovery, Repressed Memories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-05
Updated: 2019-12-05
Packaged: 2021-02-25 20:06:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21681154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Happilyanonymous/pseuds/Happilyanonymous
Summary: When she's about to have sex, nervousness and anxiety overcome her to the point that she doesn't want to sleep with anyone anymore. She still wants the affection and love though, and she wants to want to have sex, so she tries to find reasons and explanations, and then healing.
Relationships: Original Female Character/Original Male Character
Kudos: 1





	Overcoming memories

**Author's Note:**

> Just me getting rid of some emotional baggage that I've been carrying around. Of course she is me. It felt good to write it down and get it off my chest, and it helps me to read about other people experiencing and dealing with something like this, so I thought I'd post it for anyone who might relate. 
> 
> I love notes about my writing and style, so please leave a comment if you read it! Also the first thing I post, so feedback is really appreciated!

They're kissing on the couch and she really likes it, except that she knows that he'll probably want sex now. They haven't done it in the last two days, and this is the most she can draw it out without him getting moody or angry, and she's afraid that he'll either become too eager and forceful if she waits any longer, or that he won't want her any longer. 

She enjoys being with him so much, the hand holding, how he kisses her intertwined fingers, the way he peppers kisses all over her face, especially her eyelids, being together and having that other person to belong to. 

The first time is the worst, because she isn't sure what to expect, what he'll do. It hurts going in because he isn't small, but it gets better. He tries to give her more control by being on top, and it helps as well as his compliments, but when he can't come sometimes, it makes her feel so ugly, useless and pathetic. She can't even do sex, she's not good looking or skilled enough to make a young man with a high sex drive cum. 

Sometimes, she dreads kissing him though. She's disgusted when the kiss is too wet or when he just smoked. One time, when they were making out, she already told him even before her shirt was even off, that even though they are kissing and touching, she doesn't want to have sex today. Later, he tells her that warning someone so early like this isn't normal, but she's just so afraid to lose control. 

When they have sex, she mostly lays there and waits for it to be over. She doesn't even think about her own orgasm, the goal is to make him come so that they can get cleaned up and not think about doing it again for at least a day, even though he gets horny much more often. She looks a little fearful and tells him to take it slow sometimes, when it hurts too much, and they have to use lube because she doesn't get wet and he can never make her come, especially when he only looks at her while rubbing her clit, because then there's too much attention and pressure on her, and that's just what she wanted to avoid. 

So she endures it, keeps a hand on his hip to try to control the thrusts, until he tells her not to constrict him. She always closes her eyes, until he tells her to keep them open every time. When he tells her that he feels like she doesn't want him, that it makes him feel less confident and attractive and that she shouldn't just lay there and endure it, she tries to be more active. 

Once she trembles so badly he gets worried, and she tries to convince them both that it's just from the cold because it is a cold winter night and they only have one blanket to share, but they're actually sweating. She doesn't know why she just can't make her body work. 

She really wants the light of during sex, but he prefers them on, so after one or two little arguments she gives in. She hates him seeing all her imperfections, all this fat, but she shuts her thought off for him. She hides her not eating, binging and vomiting too well. He probably suspects that she doesn't like herself too much by the way she reacts to compliments and her low self-esteems, but she would never let him see the real depths of her self-hate and destruction.

One day they get drunk with a friend and he brings her to bed, and tucks her in. The next day, he tells her that he was disappointed because he wanted to get her drunk to have sex again when maybe she was more relaxed. She feels betrayed and almost taken advantage of, but the way he says it makes her feel bad for thinking that when he only wanted to improve their sex. 

Through all the differences they have, she really appreciates him and doesn't want to lose him. He tells her he loves her the first time on the phone, and she's so taken aback that it takes her a moment to answer. She says it back because that's the only answer you can give to that, right? Doesn't matter that she knows she doesn't mean it, she needs to keep him and wants them to be a couple. She's so tired of being alone and maybe that's just how it works. How would she know?

She talks with a friend about their problems in the bedroom, but they don't have any advice either other than to relax and try different things. After only four months, they break up because he complains too much and she too little, not wanting to add more negativity to the conversations. They part on mostly good terms, although without talking about all of the problems. 

When she's alone, she thinks about the first time she was touched down there. She was actually at the gynaecologist, a women, and it should have only been to talk and maybe get the pill so her skin would be better during puberty. She was only sixteen, and after a little talk the doctor suggested to get the exam done since she was already there and there was enough time. She didn't want to, nobody had ever seen or touched her from the waist down and she wasn't ready. Even all dressed up she was feeling nervous but the examination is something you just have to do some day, right? The doctor had asked if she had ever had sex, to which she said no but told the older women that she had a boyfriend to seem more mature or whatever, she can't even remember now. 

It started with the doctor touching her breasts to check for cancer. It was weird to have a strange women touch take her breast into both hands, but it was alright. Then she was allowed to put her shirt back on, but had to free herself on the lower half. The doctor lead her to the chair, and she didn't like having her legs up and spread so far, but she didn't say anything yet. The women made her move down more and told her she would insert something and spread her for something. She couldn't see what it was, but it sounded terrifying to be spread nonetheless. It hurt when it went in, when it pushed back her walls, when it was pulled out. She started breathing faster, she really didn't like it. The doctor told her if she didn't relax, it would be more uncomfortable and there was no need to be upset. Next the doctor inserted her finger and pushed around, which hurt even more. She said stop, to please stop the examination, but the doctor just said that it was that bad at all and to not get so worked up. Does it hurt when I push here? No? Good and here? It's alright, no need to get upset. 

She was so nervous, almost trembling, shocked, wanted to cry. She got dressed and out of there as fast as she could and almost couldn't suppress the tears on the short way home. At home she cried into her pillows, feeling so used and disgusted by herself. 

She knew she had no reason to feel so stained and used, it was a freaking doctors appointment by a women and everybody there had told her that it wasn't a big deal, don't be so upset, it's all good, don't overreact so much, come on it's not so bad, there's no reason to be upset. 

She felt so ashamed, dirty, so used and abused, but she didn't tell anyone because it was normal, right? That's what doctors have to do, and it was a women, not a man. It was all medical, so there's no reason for her to feel violated or wronged. It's her fault for being not relaxing enough and she's just exaggerating and making a huge deal out of nothing.   
Crying for days, hiding her body and withdrawing into herself don't make the feelings of disgust, shame, guilt and hurt go away. 

She never goes back to that doctor, and when she sees another gynaecologist five years later after much convincing from her concerned brother, she gets asked if she has an anxiety disorder.

And suddenly, she remembered another instance that was sexual and that had made her feel so uncomfortable, although it definitely couldn't beat this experience, not being able to stop it or to control it, hurting and not knowing what was happening.   
It had been a few years ago, a man on the train to school had sat across from her. She was so young, looking out the window at the green scenery lost in her head. When she looked back at the man after some time, she was shocked to see him masturbating in front of her, not even a meter between them. He was looking at her and shielding his private parts from the passengers across the aisle with his yellow bag. She was surprised at how big it was, pink and long. She didn't know what to do, this wasn't right, was it? Why didn't the other adults notice? They were just talking and laughing normally so maybe it wasn't so bad even though she felt very uncomfortable. When the passengers on the other side got off, she moved over to their seats. The men removed the bag to allow her to continue watching. Relieved, she left the train not much later and hurried to get away. She tried not to think about it for the rest of the day, which was easier than she thought, but over the next few days, she couldn't shake the weird feeling and the fear when taking the train again. Keeping it secret only made it worse, but she felt so embarrassed, especially in front of her mum. She didn't even think about talking about it with her dad or someone else. Thankfully, her relationship with her mum was very close and trustworthy, so she finally told her and answered her questions. The police wanted to talk to her, even just on the phone, which she refused, but when her mum told the police women on the phone, which was on speaker, the girl surprised herself by speaking up and talking to the officer herself too. She gave a description of the men and got told that he had been targeting young girls in their area, and with the descriptions of the many brave girls speaking up they were eventually able to arrest him.   
Years later, she found the files of sexual assault while looking for a document in her parents folders. The expression made everything worse and more real, but also better because it gave validation and justice to even a comparable small incident.

She had always thought that those incidents, being not so serious as rape or even sexual assault by a family member, were nothing to dwell on because they weren't as bad. She thought she had gotten over it very quickly and easily, never talking about it again and forgetting about it. But every time she had a new partner, everything came back including other close calls, all the tears, the shame, the humiliation and the secrecy. 

When she thought about having a relationship, she calculated how often she would have to have sex, she tried to assess if the man had a high or low sex drive, if he would just grab her and use his strength if she didn't comply. And it was better to give herself to him than to have him take it. She thought of excuses not to have sex, her period, being sick, being tired, even before they were officially together. Every new partner is a new challenge, a unknown variable. The first time is nerve racking, she'll plan and be anxious for days. 

This doesn't mean she doesn't want sex or masturbates. She watches porn, reads stories, is even into some bdsm or restraints. She slowly accepts that masturbation is normal for women too and that she shouldn't feel ashamed and dirty because of it because it lets her explore her body and desires safely, on her own. It's healthy and helps to know what one likes and dislikes and therefore also improves sex with a partner. Only humiliation, real pain and hitting really turn her off. If she's very horny, the sex is easier, but it's still a chore and a mean to pay for kisses, cuddles and affection. 

It's been two years since her last boyfriend, and she finally met someone new. .She doesn't know yet if she really likes him because his kisses are too wet and dominating, he invades her mouth too much, but she also like how he sucks on her bottom lip and uses his teeth a little. Moreover, she had been feeling very lonely and homesick, and wants to have someone special again. She craves to feel wanted and liked. 

She's also had sex since her last boyfriend and wants to have sex, and she finally realizes and accepts that her fears and nervousness might really not be normal, but that she wants to have a normal, functioning sex life. The thought and memories don't go away and come back with every time she has sex. She dared to google and found out that there's something called sexual anxiety, that it might be caused by bad body image, negative past experiences or concern about sexual performance. She learns that her pains during intercourse might be because her stomach cramps up really badly and in anticipation of pain and due to stress, which is probably also why she only ever has orgasms alone and never during sex. So she finally. finally thinks about seeing someone professional to talk about to, because this might be an issue after all. Maybe she wants to get validation that she wasn't in the wrong and that what the other people did wasn't okay, or at least some advice on how to enjoy herself more. Because she doesn't want this to get in the way of her relationships any more, and even more so, she doesn't want to be trapped by her own memories that were not her fault to begin with. Hopefully, she'll have the courage to speak up instead of just writing anonymously online.


End file.
